I recently noticed that my favorite film review site, Lurple.com, has gone by the wayside. In remembrance, I will share with you my favorite review: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. Enjoy! All credit goes to the original author.
Looking for the worst Christmas special of all time? I can't say for sure that Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is that film but if there's something worse I don't want to know about it. It's worse than the Star Wars Holiday Special, and I don't say that lightly. Some evil bastard must have thought this would be a great way to get kids to commit suicide for the holidays; forcing them to watch this should be considered child abuse.
The film starts off with a bunch of kids dressed in blue who are singing horribly and licking toys. Apparently these are supposed to be Santa's elves, and you'll begin to hate them immediately because they all screech a song completely out of tune. I warn you now, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny has a lot of musical numbers and they seem to be actively competing for the title of worst Christmas musical.
Anyway, Santa is stuck on a beach in Florida in his sleigh because the reindeer ditched him and went back to the north pole—probably because he's a complete asshole and has a fake beard that is almost certainly worse than your local mall Santa. Santa grumbles a lot and then summons a swarm of screaming children to help him. The kids are more than happy to help, and they bring gorillas and pigs to pull the sleigh... because that makes a lot of sense. Anyway they fail miserably and a whole lot of nothing happens. Sometimes shots are randomly in slow-motion, which just makes the pain of watching this crap drag on.
Then, for absolutely no reason, a horrible amateur production of Thumbelina starts playing in the middle of the Christmas special. It has fuck all do to with with Santa or an Ice Cream Bunny or even Christmas, and it lasts for nearly an hour, taking up two thirds of the film! Eventually the film stumbles drunkenly back to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny makes an appearance, but by then you'll just be praying for this monstrosity to end.
I ended up watching this film in 30 minute sessions because it was too fucking awful to choke down all at once. I went to the dentist between my first and second sessions, and having my teeth drilled was more fun than watching this garbage.
If you hate someone on your holiday shopping list, I suggest giving them a copy of this film instead of coal. Just make sure you get out of town before they watch it, even if you hate Christmas you should avoid watching Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.