The NeverEnding Story (while tripping on acid)

Movie Directed by Wolfgang Peterson, story by Cal Wayne.

It was a Saturday evening, in early January, from what I can remember. Deep into the cold frigid underbelly of the harsh Georgian winter, stuck in my country house in the heart of the city. I was low on heat, food, and working water (pipes had frozen). I was working 24/7 to fight off the insanity that was constantly creeping over my left shoulder, and the rest of the time was spent playing with lincoln logs (constructing a 1/32 scale replica of the cabin honest Abe was born in, to be exact). As I explored the innards of my pantry, I could find nothing but pretzels and grits, so I naturally began hunting my for house pets. BUT WAIT, what's in that little box behind the pretzels - could it be food? I snatched the box from the pantry and ripped off the lid. What I had found confused and amazed me; it was a deck of playing cards, a whole bunch of LSD, and a DVD copy of The NeverEnding Story.

The answer was simple; it was as if God had told me "Cal, you need to eat some acid and watch that movie!," or maybe that was just me thinking to myself, not sure. I popped in the DVD, ate the acid, and prepared myself for what would be an enjoyable evening. The first thing I took the time to notice about The NeverEnding Story is that there is a giant monster made of rocks, and he eats other rocks. He was like this giant, evil rock monster cannibal-thing. Only fifteen minutes into the movie and I'm already pretty terrified. After my infatuation with the rock-monster ended, I spent the next thirty minutes not actually watching the movie, but wondering if it would ever actually end. Never mind that every other thing in the movie scared me shitless, but could it be possible that The NeverEnding Story never ends? - the title certainly seems to imply that very possibility.

The movie finally started to pick up after forty-five minutes of me being scared and pissed off. I violently cursed at my dog for not being able to fly nearly as well as the Falcor. Then what's-his-face's horse dies in a swamp. At this point, I was an emotional train wreck. I had no fucking idea what was going on; sad things were happening, and I was almost positive that the entire movie was a giant Christian allegory. I fell asleep before the end (assuming such a thing even exists). Honestly, I don't think I could finish that movie under any circumstance. I mean, I'm not judging that movie by how good it truly is, but I can go ahead and say that just watching it depresses me to no end.

The NeverEnding Story did teach me some valuable life lessons, first being; we as humanity should never allow rocks to be alive and move and shit, they're just too fucking creepy. Secondly, never ride your horse into a swamp, because it will sink! and lastly; I learned that the quests that we take on as humans in life can often be difficult. We may face challenges where almost nothing or no one that can help us. This is when self confidence is key, because things can get rough for us dreamers. The NeverEnding Story is a long, scary, and annoying piece of shit. I've got my living costs, and a bumper sticker that reads: "All who wander are not lost."

Rating: 7/10


  1. Hilarious. But wouldn't acid do that to every movie?

  2. welcome to the hba
    jeremy [iZombie]
    hba staffer

  3. My favorite read so far! "I violently cursed at my dog for not being able to fly nearly as well as the Falcor." - Brilliant

  4. Doesn't acid take 30minutes- 1 hour to kick in? So you "ate" the acid after putting the dvd in and you began to freak out 15 minutes into the movie? Doesn't add up... The movie is around 102 minutes. Acid lasts 8-12 hours. Also you can't fall asleep on acid because it wakes your brain the fuck up. Also lets not forget all the colors and patterns where are they? Bull shit story bro.

  5. Anon, you are clearly a dumbfuck that doesn't realize that this story is OBVIOUSLY a work of fiction. Please shoot yourself in the face with a loaded pistol, fucktard.