By Cal Wayne
Based on the original arcade game, director Uwe Boll presents House Of The Dead, or as I affectionately refer to it as; "House Of Bullshit", "House Of How In The Hell Did This Movie Premier On 1520 Screens Nation Wide?" and "House Of The Dead."
The plot revolves around a group of youngsters trying to get to an awesome rave taking place on a cursed island. However, the only way they can get to the island is by paying a couple of drug smuggling fishermen $1,000 to go to the island and back. For a rave. On a cursed island. Completely reasonable plot, but unfortunately House Of The Dead cannot build further upon its solid premise. The group gets to the island and everyone's gone, but it looks like there was a rave at some point. Suspicious? Sure, but the only reasonable thing to do is get drunk and ignore the fact that everyone has disappeared. After zombies start killing people, they seek shelter in a mysterious house where survivors are found. They explain that zombies crashed the rave, ruined the party, and killed everyone. That's as far as I'll take you.
The acting in this movie is horrible, the plot makes no sense, and the special effects are, well, special. All of these problems could be at least partially ignored in most zombie movies, but everything in this film borders on the ridiculous. I take no solace in telling you that this film is only slightly better than Zombie Nation, despite a $7,000,000 budget, compared to Zombie Nation's $3,000. I'm honestly led to believe that that Uwe Boll spent about $5,000 on the movie, and the other $6,995,000 on prostitutes and cocaine.
I tried so hard to take House Of The Dead seriously, but having footage from the video game pop up sporadically every fifteen minutes for no reason really just turned this film into a self indulgent piece of shit. We get it: it's based on a video game. Thanks for reminding us in a confusing and infuriating manner. This movie is terrible. Terrible. Terribly Terrible.