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I would like to think of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) as not being a remake, but a re-imagination of the original, which made its debut in 1974. As much as I had once supported the idea of a new Chainsaw Massacre movie, I was drastically let down by a film that took Tobe Hooper's original concept and ripped it to pieces, Michael Bay style.
We start the film by following a group of generic youngsters traveling through Texas on their way back from Mexico. I don't see it necessary to name the characters/actors, as their irrelevancy in this film cannot be over-exaggerated, just know that Jessica Biel is with them. While on their way to a "Lynyrd Skynyrd" concert, these youngsters pass their time by making out, smoking a piñata full of marijuana, and reciting dialogue that makes me want to shoot myself in the face. Needless to say, these hippies are begging to be slaughtered by some kind of chainsaw-wielding psychopath. After more of what is mentioned above, the hippies stumble upon a hitchhiker who they generously pick up. After a few more minutes of shitty dialogue, the hitchhiker inexplicably shoots herself in the face with a pistol she inexplicably has. This begins the films cluster-fucked story line that leads them all to the threshold of hell.
Now what this Texas Chainsaw Massacre lacks in acting, a reasonable plot, or even being all that scary; it makes up for in being a straight up gore fest. Taking advantage of a much larger budget than the original, Marcus Nispel tries his very hardest to make a movie scary simply by making it kind of gross, and making everything dark and spOoOoOoOoOoKy looking. Not to mention that he also took leatherface's character and turned him into a monster of sorts opposed to the retarded butcher in the original. While I did cringe watching a man take a chainsaw to the crotch, chainsaw to the leg, and whiskey bottle to the face, I couldn't help but think to myself "wait a second.. this whole movie is a bunch of ridiculous bullshit".
In the end, it is sad for me to admit that this movie accomplishes almost nothing. I was actually slightly impressed with this movie's prequel Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, which utilized many of the same characters. With no standout moments, performances, or quotes, this movie seems to be the epitome of a failed attempt to recreate a classic. You may cringe during a few scenes, you may even derive a few scares from this piece of shit, but I must insist that you skip this and stick with the original.